It hasn’t been easy for me since May. In all honesty, for a majority of my sisters out there, it hasn’t either. I feel it in my heart lately, and this is for you guys who think that you are not enough, because that is so incorrect.
I honestly am sitting at my computer, compelled to write, compelled to shed some light into an abysmal null and I cant concentrate on what I am trying to even say. This is my third attempt at getting the words out.
A few years ago, when I was 17, I went to a For Today show in Denver with one of my closest friends at the time, P. (For those of you that don’t know, For Today is a Christian group, and they are also hardcore. If you don’t listen to the lyrics, you wouldn’t know that they speak the word of God. It’s a delightful and ironic experience.) After the show, we were fortunate to spend time with them. They prayed over us, and I remember they all told P and I specific, prolific things and it literally sent her and I outside in tears, shaking and holding each other when it was time to go home. It was intense. Unfortunately, I can’t remember what they said to P. As for me, and at the time, I felt increasingly inadequate. As trivial as this is, I was 17 and never had a guy take an interest in me, and I felt like I was just not good enough. I was told that I was so pure and I was going to be a beacon of hope to one person for my whole life. Two and a half years later, Jordan told me he loved me for the first time and also saying I was a beacon of hope for him. It stopped me in my tracks to say the least.
As in love with that story as I am, I also want to tweak the meaning for what I am trying to say.
I love Jordan. There have been countless signs and stories I can tell that is pure amazement if you will, that he and I are “it”, but today, I’m going to give him a break on saving me.
Because, I can save myself. I can be my own beacon of hope. I know you can be that for yourself, too. However hindered you feel, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
We are capable of so much love, but we never show ourselves any. We are tired souls, we are in search of another to build against, but sometimes that isn’t an option. Sometimes in life, you wake up alone in a bed meant for husband and wife for at least half of the year. Sometimes you grow wary of being stagnant. Sometimes you are on your own and have to be your own warrior. When that happens, we are our own light in our own darkness.
The other day I woke up, and something was so different and so obvious that it was almost in my face. In Colorado, when it first starts getting warm again, when the grass thaws to the roots, when the tree bark has no more frost, when the leaves dance in the generous mountain air, it smells fresh, it smells like change. It is so distinct, and so trademark. It is by far my most favorite and most missed thing about my home. I never got my smell here, because nothing defrosted here, the grass didn’t need to regrow, the bark was never encased in cold ice the leaves bounce all year.
It was in the morning, and I went to walk Iggy, and a breeze hit me. It was the smell. It was the smell of home. The sun filtered through the humid, dense alien air to me and it shone brighter and a feeling of ease washed over me. It was reminding me that I AM home. It reminded me that something so significant to me has made its way to me to remind me that I am rooted in myself, that I am my own home. Wherever I go, I will always have me.
And my dear friends, wherever your soles take you, wherever you are in this life, you are home. I promise.